Occasionally you find yourself in a situation where you see yourself or some aspect of your life through others' eyes. It's always disconcerting.
I had such a moment today. I'm trying to choose a real estate agent to sell my apartment and today one came to view it and tell me what he and his company have to offer (for a significant fee). The agent was most polite and professional, but having him assess my apartment and its arrangement and its character for their commercial value made me see it from a new perspective.
I really had to restrain myself from rushing to justify to him why the apartment is the way it is - that I've lived here a long time; that I love colour; that many of the objects and furnishings have valued associations; that I don't care about being up with the latest fashion; that it needs to be thoroughly de-cluttered (to use the current term). I had to keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what he thinks about the apartment as long as he'll put energy into selling it - that his judgment about my choices doesn't matter. But the thought of having potential buyers and real estate voyeurs traipse through, seeing the place through their eyes, is disturbing.
It's odd, isn't it, that such an encounter can make you feel insecure and defensive. Normally I'm quite content with my taste and style - well, at least content enough not to spend too much time, energy and emotion worrying about such things.
I expect this is just the first of a number of encounters in selling and moving that will make me self-conscious about my style and choices. I'm going to have to work to find a way of thinking about all this that brings some pleasure, or else it will be a very self-doubting few months.